Drowning for Love

It’s been a while since my last post. Almost three months. And for that, I apologize.

I have so badly wanted to write and share with you about my visit to the Middle East and the final weeks in Spain. Ideas would come to mind about things I could say, but as soon as I would sit down to put the pieces together, I couldn’t get anything out. Stories would wake me in the night that I would want to remember to paint on paper the next day, but by morning, they would have faded from my thoughts. I would write ideas on notes at random points, start posts, but somehow couldn’t finish them.

I longed to write. Just write. But God said no

He wanted to spend time with me. Nothing to do. Nobody to be with. Just me and Him.

The past few months, God took me to a place of raw honesty with Him and with myself. A place that was more on the hard end than the easy end. A place that I couldn’t avoid and couldn’t escape anymore, yet no matter how much it hurt, I truly felt safe. I finally sat at the table with the Father, where He had been waiting all along, drank pots and pots and pots of coffee with Him (He takes His coffee black, by the way), and went through a bajillion boxes of tissues. And because I sat down, He had the chance to ask me questions that, though I was afraid to encounter the true answers, dug deep and drew out the unrighteousness and unholiness hidden deep within me.

It was in the chaotic place of rawness that I found peace. It was in the midst of exposing darkness that I walked in light. It was upon recognizing death that I became alive.

Sometimes, God strips everything just so He can take you to deep waters of intimacy with Him. To have you release your grip on all things that help you float so that you can drown in the tidal waves of His love.

The pain. The tears. The exhaustion. I can honestly tell you that it’s all worth it to be fully loved by Him.

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Are you being honest with God and yourself in the innermost part of your being? What are you clinging to that is preventing you from allowing Him completely love you? Are you willing to release whatever He asks so that He can fill you even more?